i browse message boards a lot, just because really, but that's not the point, the one thread i did want to link to i can't because you need to be a member to view it, that, is the way, that, it is, that.

the thread was entitled... Suicide as an option - a profound sense of comfort i'll quote the body of the text and also some his replies after, because, they sort of struck a chord with me, there was something within what he said, admittedly not all, but there is a great deal there i can relate to....

OK, strange thread title, but here's the deal.

I've noted something about my own psyche recently that I knew but didn't really think about before: I use suicide as a coping mechanism.

Having some pretty severe depression and anxiety issues, I often find myself on the verge of panic or unspeakable dread. Then I take a step back and think to myself: "Hey, you don't have to go down that road, you can just kill yourself if things don't work out." And oddly enough this works!

As a consequence, whenever I am in a fairly sketchy situation I make suicide plans, I always have to know of a fairly quick and efficient way to kill myself in case things don't work out. It's sort of like a safety mechanism, in case it all goes to shit I won't have to live with that reality unless I want to. I'll pick out a spot or method and keep thinking of it as the situation develops, it calms me down. Some of the most stressful moments of my life have been spent not listening to what was being said to me (by parents, police, friends, etc.), but planning my suicide as a consequence of what might result.

There is an incredible sense of freedom in realizing that you don't have to take whatever life hands you, you can just tell it all to bugger off and take a leap off a tall building (or something to that effect).

It also means that I am pretty much on the lookout for a worthy opportunity for death, I know it's not likely but I can envision several situations in which I would put my lack of interest in life to good use.

I know this must sound morbid, and having lost my best friend to suicide I know the personal side of 'premature' death and it's effects on family and friends. I'd like to be able to say it's just a coping mechanism, but in all honesty if things really would go bad I would have no problems with going ahead with it. For me life at this point is a work in progress, something I'll give a shot without really wanting to.

In essence, I'm a nihilist so nothing matters. That is NOT the same thing as not caring, I care passionately about a lot of things, by definition my perspective is subjective. But in the end, all things are insignificant in the absolute sense.

Anyway, yet again I am rambling and not making a point. I guess I just wanted to know if anyone else shares my view on suicide, that it is a fantastic option to keep in the back of your mind to enable one to live with a greater degree of freedom and deny the inevitability of fate. You can always intervene with whatever horrible shit is happening, you can just stop it, like turning off a bad horror movie.

it's just a coping mechanism. just another way of dealing with life i suppose. if i were dead. then i wouldn't have to worry or deal with anything at all. whether, on balance, it would be better to be dead. i'm sure i've said as much to Tasha, it's almost a reflex now. i can't think about it now, i've got what he said in head and can't see to seperate it from my own thoughts.

it's off bluelight.nu if you fancy it but you need to register to view the thread, it's a big message board that...... i'll quote again, because they say it better.... The New Bluelight is an international message board that educates the public about responsible drug use (with a focus on MDMA) by promoting free discussion. We advocate harm reduction and attempt to eliminate misinformation. that said, i only browse the current events and politics and sex, love and relationships forums.