christ,

see i think about it and it makes no sense, the more i think about it, the less sense it makes, the more irrational i feel i'm and that i've become, i don't feel like i should put what i'm thinking because i know it makes no sense, is in fact pointless drivel, is the pointless drivel of an emotional person,

and aren't we all emotional, three times people i know have shown me that in the last two days, that their emotion mad them irrational? possibly, the first in an msn messenger conversation, she told me how she felt, was over anxious about something, just needed someone to say it would be alright, the second in a text, that on first reading scared me, but when i replied, it was as though it never happened, can't help but feel that was a lie, the alcohol releasing repressed feelings and lastly, another alcohol induced sadness of things past that are ever present and that will be for a while yet,

maybe that's just me, just i tend to hold it all inside until it stops me breathing, there are the odd messenger conversations and here and in my diary, but not much else, maybe that's where i am going wrong, and why i think about killing myself occasionally, do i? maybe i just said that for the shock value, i daydream all the time, real things, things that could happen, the one on the way home today, not the best time, admittedly, was that i was honest with sophie's parents, i suppose because i had been in their presence most recently, and i drove and thought of all the things i could have said, feelings of worthlessness, seeing no point in living, that's it not that i am lazy, i'm just scared, not so much that, it's, i don't feel i've achieved anything, when others have, and i think it's sometimes viewed as me being lazy when it's not, that i have cut myself, that i haven't done for two weeks now, that the scars have faded considerably, that i had to be conscious this morning when i just had a t-shirt on, that the majority of the word i cut into my arm is still mostly visible, i think it is, but then i know what i am looking for, so i thought about that,

and i stopped at the services for no reason what-so-ever, because i wanted to be on my own, to be aware of my loneliness,

and i haven't even started on last night, oh joy,