and as for miss sophie, i think it seems to be all on me, i know i suppose, that i think in hindsight that it wasn't ever going to be, i honestly believe that, from what she has said to me since, and the way she was over him texting her from australia on new years eve, *laughs* we had the conversation in the pouring rain while holding hands, that's not a big thing, *sighs* but as i said in my blog i can't really remember what we spoke of, but anyway, we're just friends, but i find it hard to do,

and she's just logged in, bless,

but i do find it hard to do, i think we'd still be friends, if we hadn't kissed, but i don't think that we'd be as close as she thinks we are, that we are, *huffs and puffs*

and logged out,

i don't suppose that occured to me, that we wouldn't be where we are now if we hadn't kissed, it's just that, i, well i find it hard to just see her as a friend, which is why i would take it all back if i could, and i think i would, and yes it is making me sad, but it's not her that is, why i think i shouldn't really have gone to see her, because it's not good for my head, to spend time with her, even though we're just friends, *smiles* look at me, fact is, we do get on, i don't know miss, she sees me as a good friend and we are, but i find it so hard to look at her, i think that is it in a nutshell, feel like i'm writing in circles, point and counter-point, as damien says, just give me time,

sorry for rambling, sorry,

as for my scars, i don't know miss, i don't know what to feel, the majority are on my upper arm, so it is safe to wear long sleeve t-shirts and roll them up to the elbow, there are a few scars on my lower arm, straight lines, but no one has ever noticed them, i don't know, i am hoping that i'm done with it now, but i would admit it's a little strange not having worn anything short sleeved for so long, and i really don't have that many clothes, i apologise if i'm being a little blasé about it, i think i would like to talk, really talk about it withsomeone, but, but, but, thinking i would and doing it are so far apart as to not be on the same scale, it's not that i've had the opportunity, i nearly did when drunk, but didn't, but anyway,

right now, i'm feeling strangely abivalent to everything, everyone has gone back to uni and i plan to stay for another couple of weeks, and i've had a beer and vh1 is playing the 100 greatest songs of the 90s, feeling decidedly not down, but i know it's still a part of me, as i've said before and i've no doubt i'll say again, i'm very up and down, just feel rooted to the spot sometimes, and i hate how everyone elses lives seem so much better and that i would happily take over there problems, i don't suppose you ever get that? pah,