in some moments i would like to be dead. but i need to move from here to there in a moment. a single short short moment. i think about being dead - in that i am just not here. i'm gone. my mind doesn't linger over killing myself. nor could i. i couldn't slit my wrists or hang myself or even swallow enough pills to do the job. nor would i.

some of my words are in my newest notebook, it is on the floor by the window in the lounge. where anyone might read it. just with my last one and the one before. i don't know where my oldest one is. my first one started as a diary i took on my French exchange. and it ended up having an elastic band around it, which broke and the spine cracked, my teenage years may well be in that book. but the point was, that maybe they've read it. and i don't even know. seek and ye shall find maybe. maybe they have and they act differently because of it. maybe i just don't know.

i just feel sad sometimes. i think i could cry right now. i know my parents trend gently with me sometimes. takes a deep breath.
what do you do, when you hide from the world and feel comfort in the sadness.
"And I've been secretly falling apart"

i think people think i'm lazy because i haven't got a job. i'm petrified. absolutely. i don't think i care. i hate money - yes but i live with my parents. money will just buy me things. i don't think it would benefit me. i just have never had it. so don't really miss it. but still i get myself up early because i'm loathe to be lazy. i can't afford to do anything, chris can afford to go on holiday with jenn and alex just bought a new car. when people ask me if i've got a job i can just laugh it off. i have an overdraft to clear. i have over six thousand pounds of debt, that totals nearly eight just there. i'll just shrug it off. because i can? maybe. but when the moment comes i don't think i'll be ready. i think i will just want to fade away.

when i go to sleep i can hear and feel my heart beat.