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And what to do when you don't know how to say you want, when neither do you know what it is exactly you want. Maybe i mean that and maybe i don't. I went 'out' on Friday night [for out read went out with a simple aim to get very drunk - which was achieved] and while there, it was ok, nothing more and nothing less, i've never worked out what i supposes to achieve while there, if anything. Because i only wake up feeling worse, thinking i've gained nothing from the experience, with feelings of being ashamed. Of how i come across. Though, these feelings have given way to a certain apathy on my part, that this is not the type of environment that suits me best. So what's to worry, right? But then that begs the question, what is best? Hmmm, i don't know.

I didn't get either of the two jobs i applied for. Mum thinks i should get JSA, but i'm scared about going for it. There in lies part of the problem. I'm just lacking... i'm just lacking. And i feel like SIing again, i really do. Of course i'm not. I just wish i could give myself some release again. /me cuts off this line of thinking. I just feel utterley directionless and that i'll stay in this jobless - homebound - moneyless limbo forever. Things are too in my control and i don't feel able to change them. If it bothered me that much, i'd do something about it. Isn't that true?

"All of us are falling
It's in everything
Hold on to nothing
Don't count on anything
The earth is falling too
It doesn't stop at night
See this glass is falling
And no I'm not alright"